Is a virtual wedding the new normal?

I guess it comes down to a simple choice really… get busy planning or get busy waiting.

adapted from Shawshank Redemption

When the pandemic was kicking off in March 2020, we received several messages from our family and friends asking if our wedding was still going ahead in August. We didn’t have much information to make a definitive decision to postpone, but there were two things we were clear about. We didn’t want to put anyone at risk of getting sick and in order for us to stay together in Switzerland, we needed to be married. Our wedding planner said, “Don’t worry, if we need to, we can pull something amazing off with just a few weeks’ notice… take it easy and let’s touch base in June.” So, with that, we put a pin in it and notified our family and friends that we knew this was a challenging situation for everyone.

We planned to keep the date for the moment and we recognised this would mean they would need to make decisions best for them and their families at the time. This would likely mean key family members wouldn’t be able to come to our wedding, but this situation could also go on for a long time so when would be the ‘right’ time?

Denial wore a mask too!

In the daytime, working as a Humanitarian Advisor I supported colleagues to plan their response to the pandemic. On a daily basis, I recognised the scale of devastation this crisis was having on families and their decisions were sometimes putting food on the table or having the equipment for their children to do distance learning.

I kept telling myself and others who would ask me about our wedding plans that I was just grateful everyone we knew was healthy and in the grand scheme of things our wedding was a small matter. I truly believed this with 85 per cent of my entire being but I completely minimised the other 15 per cent of me who was sad and disappointed. This continued for about a month.

On a work call, someone asked me about our wedding plans, practical Linda started to explain and then I heard the words come out of my mouth and it hit me. You’re sad Linda!! Wake up! Look, it’s ok to be sad. Sadness doesn’t mean you think your pain is equal to others in a tougher situation, but pain is pain. Recognise it, embrace it, grieve it, and move forward. Ultimately, minimising it was hurting me and being so rational about the situation took away the chance for me to grieve and be vulnerable with Seán.

Permission

So that’s what I did. I went for a run to the top of a hill near where we live and allowed myself to feel everything I was embarrassed to feel. I went home with bloodshot eyes and felt a little lighter. It took me a few days to process everything before I could even begin to articulate it to anyone else. Everyone has a different way of dealing with things, but I wrote down a list of things I was particularly sad about and surprise surprise. It wasn’t about a big fancy dream wedding… it was me coming to terms with the fact that people Seán and I love may not be there on an important day of our lives. I’ve heard that there are two events EVERYONE you love come together … your wedding and your funeral. You only get to enjoy one of those in person!

I decided I would share this with Seán, of course, the man I was going to take my next steps of life with was feeling similarly… worse in fact because it was likely that no one from his side would be at our wedding! This opened many conversations but ultimately it brought us closer together. We decided to focus on what we could control and agreed to create a new vision of what we wanted this day to be.

Not just your shattered dream

After several supportive conversations with my parents and Seán’s mother, it was clear that they were going through their own emotional processes. It came out in all sorts of ways, frustration, confusion, acceptance but overwhelmingly their support and desire for our happiness shone through. The main point here is it’s not just you and your partner… lend an ear to your parents because they would have also visualised what your wedding day would be like. Initial disappointment is unavoidable but how you get through it together by focusing on what you can control is key.

Reimagine with those you love

Honestly, my biggest take away from this emotional roller coaster:

1. Let yourself feel every emotion, be vulnerable with those who love you with the mindset that you will get through this together.
2. Be flexible, there will be uncontrollable setbacks like new regulations and literally what you just planned days before can’t go ahead.
3. Remember your goal… it’s you and your partner taking your next steps in life together. Seán and I promised each other we would do whatever it would take to create a day where we could include everyone near and far.
4. Trust me, it’s possible because we pulled off the unimaginable!

Every couple is different of course and you will have different circumstances to us but if it’s something you both equally want there are ways to make your wedding a beautiful and shared intimate experience with those near and far.